Lauren Elizabeth Pacenta

Dear Lauren, Yesterday I worked on the deck - trying to remove all the old stains and get it ready for a new one. As I worked, all I could think of was you. I remembered Bill for some odd reason, and you and Cassie painting ur bedroom. Bill reminded me so much of your father, but as you said, he wasn't for me. How true. You were so mature in some ways and such a child in others. I miss our hugs at night and our "I love you" when ever we parted or went to bed. Not a day goes by that I don't regret having allowed you to go out that last night, and not a day goes by that I don't remember your face. Everyday is a challenge for me. I love you and miss you more than anyone can ever know.

I remembered the fireworks - thought of both you and your father. I look for stars in the sky, hoping you are looking down on me.

I received the letter that you wrote to yourself in psychology class in 11th grade. I am so thankful to your teacher for calling and sending it to me. It was so cute, and so you. I cried when I read your plans for the future. I will always feel sad that you didn't get to do those things. Just  six months after you wrote that letter you were gone from me. Oh how hard it is sweetheart. I pray that you are in a happy place. You always tried to shove so much into every single day, I told you to try to just pick one thing, but it seemed like you had so much living to do.

Love you my sweet angel - always and forever.

Dear Lauren

The hot tub is empty - no more giggles from you and your friends, no more wet towels all over your room.  Remember when you ate watermelon in the hot tub - what a mess.

My cell phone bill is normal - no more calls to all your friends using more minutes than you were allowed, and more text messages than I can even imagine.

My jacuzzi gets dusty from non use - no more candlelite talks among you and your friends. Remember when you and Charmene took all my lotions and combined them? I was a little unhappy with that.

Remember when you put silly string on the fan in your room then turned on the fan - silly string all over the place. I still find remnants of it occassionally in the most obscure places.

Remember our pet cemetary in NY - first it was Zippity, your little gerbel with the most unique personality.

Remember all the meals you and your friends cooked at our house. Cassie made rosemary chicken and it was wonderful, so was the chicken noodle soup I made. Remember how well Ben could cook, the pasta meals after track.....I remember coming home to a kitchen full of your friends.

Remember our random shopping sprees, our random trips, all the many memories we were building together after your father died.

I don't want to forget a single thing about you sweetheart, I love and miss you so much it hurts. I never in a million years would have thought I would be here without you.

To my precious Lauren

I miss waking you in the morning, knowing that you would always ask for 10 more minutes.

I miss when you would yell down to me to ask what time it was on the kitchen clock.

I miss you calling to me and asking me which shoes looked better with your outfit.

I miss standing across the kitchen island from you as you gulped down something to eat and I drank coffee in the morning.

I miss watching you pull out of the garage - I would throw you a kiss and you would wave and smile. 

I miss coming home and seeing your car in the garage, knowing you were home, or hearing the garage door open and feeling relieved knowing that you had arrived home safely.

I miss the text messages we sent to each other throughout the day.

I miss finding you online during the day and our messages to each other.

I miss coming home and seeing you on the computer or being home and knowing you were in the study on the computer.
 
I miss your loud music, which seemed to make the walls vibrate.

I miss our long talks, either riding in the car or when you would call me to your room or come into my room. I would rub your back and we would talk.

I miss our shopping trips, going out to dinner after church, watching movies together, making smoothies or hot chocolate, baking and cooking together.

I miss sitting on your bed, rubbing your back when you didn't feel well, or just sitting on the stool in your room talking to you.
 
I miss finding notes from you, sometimes in the morning thanking me for something or telling me your problems which were sometimes easier for you to write than to say.
 
I also miss you coming to me when you were upset over the shit happening in school. Even though we spoke of it often, I cannot even imagine how bad it was for you.
 
I miss kissing you good night and hearing you say "I love you Mom" and I would say "I love you too."

I miss your smile, the sound of your voice, the sound of your laugh and looking into your sparkling eyes.

More than anything I miss your presence in the house.

I would give anything to hear one more time: "I'm home mom."

I miss everything about you. Every day is so incredibly hard without you. It so sad that your life was cut short, and that you won't get to live the dreams you had for yourself.  I spray your favorite cologne and I immediately get a vision of you coming into the kitchen in the morning, always smelling so sweet. I never failed to tell you how good you looked or how good you smelled. I was always amazed that you asked my advise and actually liked what I said. Oh how I wish for another morning like those.

I miss you Lauren and I will love you always and forever - Mom